Aug. 26th, 2008

mountain_laurel: (make my bed in hell)
the thing that's frustrating me most about my depression at the moment is that i've got so many friends who are Doing Things. they're taking martial arts classes, growing their own vegetables, camping in yurts, hunting wild mushrooms, going to Vegas, eating in fancy restaurants, designing a new house, playing tournament Scrabble, taking trips to Japan, etc., etc., ad infinitum.

i miss doing things. i used to do things all the time. i thought i was pretty depressed then, too, but it was nothing like this. just bathing in the morning seems like a massive effort.

depression forces you to live small. it's like living in a box that keeps shrinking. first there's no room for the world, then there's no room for other people, then there's no room for the basic tasks of life, and finally there's no room to move at all. that's when the air supply starts to run out.

i'm still moving. barely. i had a fairly productive weekend, in fact -- i even went to the farmer's market, the first time i've voluntarily gone out on a weekend in nearly two months. i just don't dare hope it's a sign that things are getting better. the hope demon and i are not on speaking terms. that bastard only ever makes things worse.

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mountain_laurel

June 2010

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