mountain_laurel: (imaginary men)
a snippet from what just spewed out of my head: Ancient Chinese Secret.


Dec. 27th, 2006 05:23 pm
mountain_laurel: (Default)
i wrote some fanfic.
mountain_laurel: (imaginary men)
i just posted a story fragment (not fanfic) over at my fanfic lj. if you really must know how badly i write sex scenes, here's your big chance.
mountain_laurel: (Default)
3.5 days, 12,000 words, and still going strong.


Mar. 14th, 2006 10:42 pm
mountain_laurel: (imaginary men)
as usual, i'm running a story in my head at the moment. Tálvi is a horseman of the plains; Maranwë is a scholar from the western mountains. Tálvi's people keep no written history, so tonight while i was making soup, she asked him to tell her his people's creation story.

this is what he told her:

In the beginning there was chaos. Within that chaos woke Aesil, who in her hunger devoured the maelstrom until all was dark. So fierce was her spirit that she birthed herself from the darkness as both male and female, to have the strength of each. Her form was that of a great black horse bearing a brilliant white star on her forehead.

The darkness displeased her, so she tossed her head and from that star created the heavens. She ran through the sky exulting in her freedom, but in it there were only night and stars. Soon she tired of its sameness, so she stamped her foot and created the land.

In her impatience she first made mountains, tall and jagged and cold as the stars, and her breath froze upon them and became the snows of the North. Angry that she could not run there, she stamped her foot again and made the West. This land too had mountains, but these were burnt and blackened by the heat of her frustration. When she breathed upon them she made a torrent of rain, which softened their peaks as the water flowed downhill, creating great rivers and lakes.

Her fury spent, she stepped softly to the South, where there arose rolling hills. She ran through them for a time, breathing soft rain, and the water followed her tracks, becoming a long, winding river. In the warmth of her joy, the land sprang to life and became green and lush. But the trees grew so tall she could not run through them, and so she walked to the East, where she rested on the ground and wept in her sorrow.

There she slept, and dreamed of a perfect land. There would be sweet grass and cool water, and no trees or mountains to block her way. There would be both heat and cold, light and darkness in equal measure. When she awoke, she knew what she must do.

As she rose, her tears flowed into the hollow where she had lain and became the ocean. She turned again toward the west, and in the center of all made a new land, just as she had dreamed. Gentle streams ran through its soft, rolling hills, which sprang gold and green with tall grasses.

She knew now that she was not meant to run on the land. She made herself quicken, and gave birth to two black foals: Hákon, whose forehead bore a white star, and Ljúfa, who bore a crescent. Hákon tossed his head, and his star became the Sun, and Ljúfa's crescent became the Moon.

Hákon and Ljúfa were happy on the plains, but in the sky Aesil grew discontent. She asked her foals to bear her a grandchild, but they refused her, wanting only to run and play. She decided they needed companions who would befriend them and teach them to behave.

And so Aesil made the first man, Áki, and Dísa, the first woman, and sent them to the plains to teach her children. They were the first Riders, and became the ancestors of us all. And to this very day, Aesil runs through the heavens, watching over her grandchildren.

Or at least that's how my father told it to me.

and with that, he blushed self-consciously and retreated into awkward silence.

p.s. the soup was very good.
mountain_laurel: (imaginary men)
having spent a large portion of the last few days reading pornographic Harry Potter fanfic, i thought some actual use ought to come of it. thus i present to you a small collection of important rules for writing tasteful erotica.

  1. The following words and/or phrases should never appear in an erotic context:
    • sack
    • tunnel
    • custard
    • cervix
    • slit
    • prick
    • manhood
    • turgid
    • rufous
    • scoop
    • reference to shellfish of any kind

  2. "Arousal" is a physical state, not a body part. Do not use it as a synonym for "penis." A man can conceal his arousal, but it will not spring forth when you undo his pants.

  3. A tasteful, understated description of a character's anatomy does not include the term "goodie trail." For example, do not write:
    She watched, mesmerized, as his long, elegant fingers released one button after another, revealing with each one a few more inches of pale, tempting flesh. Her eyes trailed along his sharply defined collarbones, lingering for a moment in the vulnerable hollow of his throat. She wondered what that spot would taste like, and how it would feel against her tongue. Letting her eyes drift downward, she contemplated the light sprinkling of dark hair between his dusky nipples, and swallowed convulsively at the sight of his goodie trail vanishing into the waistband of his trousers.

  4. "Nub" is not the only term for "clitoris." While it is true that tasteful terms for this most celebrated anatomical feature do not abound, it is actually possible to write around the issue, obviating the need to refer to the organ by name.

    4a. Please do not liken the nub to a pencil eraser. Thank you.

  5. When describing a deflowering, making a big production of how terribly! painful! it! is! only makes it obvious that you are a virgin. Especially if the deflowerer is so sensitive about it that he's too metaphorically limp to get it up.

  6. When receiving fellatio from a teenager, no matter how swotty she is, a nearly 40-year-old man is unlikely to consider it the best head he's ever gotten.

  7. Once again: "goodie trail" -- don't use it.

update, sevenish pm: a related phenomenon, overused but not quite so inexcusable, is the Sex Formula )

thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and good night.
mountain_laurel: (Default)
They're everywhere these days. They run loose in department stores and trendy shops. They create mayhem in hospital waiting rooms. they're in our schools, our supermarkets, and even the corner pub. But these deer aren't the kind you'll see in a Disney animation. These deer are dangerous predators, hell-bent on revenge against humanity, and many say the danger is escalating. For some deer, simply wreaking havoc is not enough.

It began as harassment

A Helena, Montana paperboy says three deer stood in his way and refused to let him deliver his papers. Just days later, a six-point buck cornered him underneath a car, then held him hostage there for half an hour. And this is nothing new -- a spokesman for the Fish, Wildlife, and Parks department said the number of complaints about aggressive deer in Helena has risen steadily over the past two years.

It isn't just Montana. Recently in Indiana, deer caused six crashes on the same toll road in a single night. In California, a rash of attacks by male deer has prompted wildlife officials to warn people to keep their distance. In Orinda, two dogs were attacked and one died following an encounter with deer. And in Bentonville, Arkansas, one deer staged a daring home invasion.

A hunger for human flesh

But two September attacks in California, just days apart, are the most chilling evidence that something has changed, and not for the better.

On September 25th Ron Dudek, 73, was caught by surprise as he was picking tomatoes in his garden. A 6-foot-tall buck charged out of a patch of shrubbery and gored Dudek in the face before running off. Three weeks later, Ron Dudek was dead.

Then, the most horrifying attack of all: On September 29th, in Mendocino County, a a deer pinned a man against his house and bit a chunk out of his wife's arm. Some say it was random violence. Others say these deer have another, darker motivation: a hunger for human flesh.

Deer begin to associate people with food

Are these attacks truly random, or something more sinister? Do these young, aggressive deer want more than just our vegetable gardens? Even the experts seem to agree that this new breed of deer is out for blood.

"Whenever deer begin to associate people with food, problems are guaranteed to occur," says biologist Craig Sowers of the California Department of Fish and Game. Steve Matarano, also of the California Department of Fish and Game, says "What happens is these animals get more comfortable around people and people start to think of them like Bambi and often don't realize they can be dangerous."

In Minnesota, some say the deer see urban sprawl "as an inviting dinner plate." Ominous words, but perhaps now they will become a wake-up call for humanity.
mountain_laurel: (kiss kiss bang bang)
location: a war-torn republic in eastern europe, in which everybody seems to be a spy, an arms dealer, or the local mafia. we are nearing the end of an utterly implausible tale of espionage, arms dealing, and flirtatious banter.

we open on a not entirely consensual bondage scene (spawned by an arms deal that almost went hideously wrong). hearing noise from outside, the protagonist grabs a gun and leaves the protagonista in the dark. having dealt with the intruders, he returns. after a brief, but exceedingly witty negotiation, things continue in a somewhat more consensual vein.

two hours later, he gets out of bed. (what a stud!) she grabs for him, protesting. the following exchange ensues:

"Come back to bed!"
"Can't. Have to dispose of the bodies."
"Three of them. Come on, we'll need the truck."
"Wow. This is the best date EVER."

also: the things you find when you type "007" into Google...
mountain_laurel: (Default)
the cult of nonconformity
(from talk.bizarre)

if i were a speck, or a fly on the wall,
i would tarry in certain salons;
i'd lurk and i'd listen to what people said --
what deep subjects they lectured upon.
i'd absorb their instructions on how i should live,
and what kind of person to be,
and i'd take down a list of the things that are cool
and i'd ape them assiduously.

if i were a mite, or a bug in the phone,
i'd be studious, earnest, and meek;
and i'd follow the crowd to the hangout du jour
and engage in the fad of the week.
i'd tender opinions (so fondly rehearsed)
on the gravitous matter at hand,
in order to demonstrate just how well versed
in the culture i've chosen i am.

if i were a CIA list'ning device
a transceiver in somebody's head --
but fuck this! i'm not, and i have my own brain,
so i'll do things my own way instead.
i'll pass on becoming the people i like
so's to have them admire my wit,
and simply behave like myself, and if you're
not amused, well, i don't give a shit.

(the cult of nonconformity, i find,
appears to strike devotees deaf and blind --
as if they all wore sacks upon their heads.
if only it would strike them dumb instead!)
mountain_laurel: (imaginary men)
i wrote 20 pages of very bad fiction, your typical 10 point single-spaced with 1" margins, Times New Roman.

today i wrote 11 more. [1] [2] [3]

i have to get back to the writing now and see how long i can drag this thing out before even i can't stand it anymore.

[1] no, you can't read it. the writing is bad enough, but i came up with this protagonist when i was 17. just call him "Gary Stu." (and his identical twin brother, too. ahem.)

[2] i happen to know that some of you are working on novels. get on the stick, people!

[3] i may or may not have remembered to eat.
mountain_laurel: (BABY!)
[ profile] ithurtsmybrain is a community dedicated to imagining, and then creating, the worst possible fanfic pairings. not necessarily romantic/sexual, mind you. people make suggestions, the moderator posts a list, and everyone has at. entries are usually short, only a few paragraphs. that's about all anyone can stand of, say, Johnny Five (Short Circuit)/Sawyer (Lost). i don't recommend following that link, by the way. i made it partway in and fled in horror.

i took a shot at #266: Hannibal Lecter/Julian Bashir. no sex, i promise. just a little chat between colleagues.

of course, the one i really want to do is #60: Willy Wonka/Dorian Gray/Spider Jerusalem. i just don't think i can do it justice.
mountain_laurel: (bed in hell)
blame [ profile] dfan.

AP, Rome: Jean-Claude Turcotte suffered a grave setback today when he was defeated by the older but still formidable Peter Seiichi Shirayanagi in the hand-to-hand combat phase of the Virgin Atlantic Extreme Pontifical Challenge. While Archbishop Turcotte still leads on points after his stunning upset in the final round of the Name That Saint competition, Archbishop Shirayanagi will go on to face Archbishop José Freire Falção in the hand-to-hand semifinals.

In his statement to the press, Shirayanagi said of his victory only that Archbishop Turcotte fought honorably and that it was a privilege to do battle with him. "[Falção] will be a formidable opponent," he said when asked how he feels about his upcoming match with the undefeated Archbishop of Brazil, whose skill in capoeira, or Brazilian street fighting, is considered to be unmatched. "I look forward to meeting him in battle. Still, I believe Jiu-jitsu to be the superior art, and I expect to prevail."

The defeated Turcotte could not be reached for comment, but an inside source indicated he is being treated for a broken hip.
mountain_laurel: (Default)
in honor of Rabbit Hole Day, i present an entire scene from one of those stories i'm always talking about that i never show people.

brace yourself -- the angst is pretty thick in here. )


mountain_laurel: (Default)

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