mountain_laurel: (cherchez le poisson)
Dear Trader Joe's,

I am writing to thank you for your wonderful product, Triple Berry Juice Blend (Blueberry, Cranberry, and Pomegranate). Not only an excellent source of antioxidants, it is also the only fluid I have yet encountered[1] that is strong enough to conceal the astoundingly vile flavor of another of your fine products, Monopolowa potato vodka.

I am convinced that this vodka, which hails from Austria, is actually filtered through Arnold Schwarzenegger's thirty-year-old used jockstraps, as there can be no other plausible explanation for its unprecedentedly pungent bouquet. Perhaps you could use this as a selling point in the next Fearless Flyer? While Schwarzenegger's appeal is waning rapidly in California, I believe his films are still fairly popular in the rest of the US and its outlying territories.

I am thrilled to have discovered the delightful synergy between these two beverages, since, as it turns out, the fragrant aroma of crotch rot is still detectable in the tomato cream sauce for which I originally purchased the vodka in question, and I hate to see alcohol go to waste. I write to you in the hope that future customers may benefit from my experience in this matter.

Sto lat,


[1] I feel certain this function could also be fulfilled by the syrup derived from boiling down slices of Trichocerious Pachanoi, or San Pedro cactus, which is a popular California garden plant as well as an outstanding source of hallucinogenic alkaloids; however, while this cactus is legal for garden use, it has not been approved by the FDA for human consumption and thus I cannot in good conscience recommend it to your customers.


mountain_laurel: (Default)

June 2010

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