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mel·an·chol·y
Dec. 8th, 2004 05:41 pmafternoons, i often fall into these somber, detached moods. today seems too dull and empty to be real, so my head fills up with misguided regret and escapism. i alternately wish for what was never mine and what can never be. storylines spin out so quickly i can't follow their threads, and i end up back in the front seat of a broken-down VW bus in the parking lot of an abandoned Hechinger's in Chantilly, Virginia the night i didn't kiss Billy. it was the right choice, even though it was only shyness that made it for me, but i do hope he eventually made it to Graceland and found enlightenment and soap. standing too close to Kevin in another parking lot, both of us practically incandescent with doubt, too fucked up to touch each other, until someone shouted, "oh, just kiss her already!" and broke the tension, and he gave me a hug that was just a little longer and fiercer than was strictly necessary and walked away, and i never saw him again. the whole kung fu school was sure we were destined for each other, but of course that was before he was indicted. another correct choice. apparently, my cowardice knows better than i do. all the boys i did kiss were wrong choices.
i don't think i was ever meant for kissing. ranting and raving and writing angry songs, sure -- without all those choices, the bad and the good, i'd have had nothing to write about. but more tender emotions? they'd never survive the inner maelstrom anyway. no point feeding filet mignon to a pack of starving dogs. these things are best left in the past, where i can pull them out and dust them off and polish them up and view them through a rose-colored telescope. so much better than waking up in a trailer park with an unemployed musician or moving to L.A. for a heavily armed latent sociopath with a shiny badge and an incipient drinking problem. it seems so much more romantic from a distance. just like in the movies.
enough of this. time to retreat back into the fantasy world, where things explode and life is exciting and fraught with danger and there's sex and champagne with a different antihero every night. i wonder if my Bourne Identity/Supremacy DVDs arrived today?
i don't think i was ever meant for kissing. ranting and raving and writing angry songs, sure -- without all those choices, the bad and the good, i'd have had nothing to write about. but more tender emotions? they'd never survive the inner maelstrom anyway. no point feeding filet mignon to a pack of starving dogs. these things are best left in the past, where i can pull them out and dust them off and polish them up and view them through a rose-colored telescope. so much better than waking up in a trailer park with an unemployed musician or moving to L.A. for a heavily armed latent sociopath with a shiny badge and an incipient drinking problem. it seems so much more romantic from a distance. just like in the movies.
enough of this. time to retreat back into the fantasy world, where things explode and life is exciting and fraught with danger and there's sex and champagne with a different antihero every night. i wonder if my Bourne Identity/Supremacy DVDs arrived today?
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