magnetic and pantsless

this one is just all kinds of beautiful. first, the guy tries to steal a set of golf clubs and gets beaten up by a woman in her nightgown wielding a cooking pot. then he lifts one of the arresting officers' cellphones. later the police find a stolen lawnmower in his car -- which was parked right behind the house he tried to rob.

let's see the judge get through that arraignment with a straight face.

prominent psychologist and self-help book author collapses in mini-mart after inhaling nitrous from three cans of whipped cream. she's written and lectured on eating disorders and self-esteem. doesn't self-esteem require some sense of dignity? because i'm finding it hard to imagine anything less dignified than snorting nitrous straight from the dairy case at Stop and Shop.

cop from the Village People arrested on drug and weapon charges. nothing i could say would make this any funnier.

woman arrested on child neglect charges; she gave birth after sharing a case of beer with a friend. the baby had to be resuscitated. the interesting part to me: the woman in the story is also an M. Tanner. as is my mother, by marriage. (all three-syllable names, too.) and as it happens, my mother gave birth to me after putting away a bottle of chianti. she was so drunk she had to be sedated. (fortunately, and perhaps surprisingly, i scored a 10 on the Apgar scale, thus demonstrating from the very beginning my freakish talent for acing standardized tests.)

no, as a matter of fact, i don't plan on ever giving birth, drunk or otherwise. sadly, i suspect she must be a distant relation. i know of no connection between my family and the Oklahoma Tanners, but that kind of drunken recklessness is a family tradition that goes back for generations. our family crest ought to include a wino rampant on a field of burgundy.