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kiss kiss bang bang
Apr. 10th, 2002 11:45 amyou know, there are a lot of things that suck about having been unattached for nearly five years, but the thing i miss most is kissing. i really like solitude. i'm happy to curl up with the cats in bed, or in front of the TV. sex, i can take or leave; one advantage to playing guitar for 29 years is that you never, ever, ever get cramps in your hands. i can even indulge in the occasional crush on some guy or other to get that exhilarating surge of hormones and emotions and sweaty palms and loss of appetite.
a kiss, though, you just can't replace. there's nothing else like it. and recently i've had moments of aching so painfully to be kissed that i lose track of everything else. last night on my way home from work, my fingers kept straying to my lips, tracing their contours, remembering what it felt like.
i've been kissed once in the last five years. maybe even six; the last year or so of my relationship with C, there wasn't much in the way of physical intimacy. the only person who's kissed me since then was a guy i met through a Craig's List personal ad last year. i liked him, on that first date, but i felt no chemistry at all. as we were saying goodbye, i was trying to decide whether it was worth seeing him again. he'd gone back to his car, and he suddenly turned around, came back to where i was standing, grabbed me by the head, and kissed me. it was so graceless and lacking in charm that i barely had time to realize it was happening before he stuck his tongue in my mouth.
i kissed him back, because that's what you do, but i didn't enjoy it. it lasted only a few seconds, and then it was over. he looked into my eyes with an expression that told me he liked me a lot more than i liked him, and smiled, and went back to his car. and all the way home i was swinging wildly between exhilaration -- somebody kissed me! and disappointment -- i felt nothing. i didn't know what to do. i liked him. we had a lot in common. i thought maybe i just needed to give the magic a little time to happen, so i went out with him again. that ended up being a mistake, but i won't even bother describing the hilarious awfulness of that date, since almost everyone reading this thing has already heard the story anyway.
i can't remember what his name was.
so i've been thinking a lot about kissing lately. i remember my first kiss, three weeks before my 17th birthday. i'd met Brett at Unicon six months before and rather brazenly asked for his phone number, but we were both so naive and shy that it took us till just before New Year's to actually kiss. he had the most amazing gray eyes, and fabulously wavy long dark brown hair, and he played guitar, and he was so skinny he looked like he might blow over in a strong breeze. we'd been out all night with some friends and finally washed up in d'Glenn's front yard at 7 a.m. or so. we were saying our goodbyes and he suddenly leaned in and kissed me.
it wasn't the sort of first kiss you dream of. actually, it felt kind of like having worms dropped on my lips. if you're reading this, Brett, i'm sorry, and i hope you were as disappointed as i was. i think we just had very bad timing, and of course neither of us had ever kissed anyone before, so how could we possibly know what to do? and the next weekend, we went with that same group of friends to EveCon, and we both met other people, so it all worked out in the end.
my second kiss was at that EveCon, in the movie room. i was curled up in a chair with Gray, who had long curly red hair and a martial artist's body and wore motorcycle boots. when it was over, i just sat there drooling because i didn't know whether i was supposed to swallow all that spit or not. fortunately, it didn't gross him out. and we were together for several years after that. he wasn't a bad guy either, really. and we kissed a lot, all the time. he was the first boy i fell in love with, and we exchanged rings and swore we'd die for each other.
ah, youth. we broke up after he went off and necked with someone else's girlfriend at a party. i couldn't stand to think of him kissing someone else. such is the power of a kiss, i guess.
it's all been downhill from there. no one else i've been involved with has seemed particularly interested in kissing at all. they saw it as a means to an end -- you kiss before you have sex, and that's all. and while i have no particular desire to go back to the days when Gray and i would neck for so long that the skin around my lips was red and chapped, i've missed it. and in the last five years, i've missed it even more.
so when i say with all the tomboyish bravado i can muster that "i gotta get laid", what i really mean is "i need someone to kiss me."
sigh. and now, i guess i'll go write that section on database permissions i've been putting off.
a kiss, though, you just can't replace. there's nothing else like it. and recently i've had moments of aching so painfully to be kissed that i lose track of everything else. last night on my way home from work, my fingers kept straying to my lips, tracing their contours, remembering what it felt like.
i've been kissed once in the last five years. maybe even six; the last year or so of my relationship with C, there wasn't much in the way of physical intimacy. the only person who's kissed me since then was a guy i met through a Craig's List personal ad last year. i liked him, on that first date, but i felt no chemistry at all. as we were saying goodbye, i was trying to decide whether it was worth seeing him again. he'd gone back to his car, and he suddenly turned around, came back to where i was standing, grabbed me by the head, and kissed me. it was so graceless and lacking in charm that i barely had time to realize it was happening before he stuck his tongue in my mouth.
i kissed him back, because that's what you do, but i didn't enjoy it. it lasted only a few seconds, and then it was over. he looked into my eyes with an expression that told me he liked me a lot more than i liked him, and smiled, and went back to his car. and all the way home i was swinging wildly between exhilaration -- somebody kissed me! and disappointment -- i felt nothing. i didn't know what to do. i liked him. we had a lot in common. i thought maybe i just needed to give the magic a little time to happen, so i went out with him again. that ended up being a mistake, but i won't even bother describing the hilarious awfulness of that date, since almost everyone reading this thing has already heard the story anyway.
i can't remember what his name was.
so i've been thinking a lot about kissing lately. i remember my first kiss, three weeks before my 17th birthday. i'd met Brett at Unicon six months before and rather brazenly asked for his phone number, but we were both so naive and shy that it took us till just before New Year's to actually kiss. he had the most amazing gray eyes, and fabulously wavy long dark brown hair, and he played guitar, and he was so skinny he looked like he might blow over in a strong breeze. we'd been out all night with some friends and finally washed up in d'Glenn's front yard at 7 a.m. or so. we were saying our goodbyes and he suddenly leaned in and kissed me.
it wasn't the sort of first kiss you dream of. actually, it felt kind of like having worms dropped on my lips. if you're reading this, Brett, i'm sorry, and i hope you were as disappointed as i was. i think we just had very bad timing, and of course neither of us had ever kissed anyone before, so how could we possibly know what to do? and the next weekend, we went with that same group of friends to EveCon, and we both met other people, so it all worked out in the end.
my second kiss was at that EveCon, in the movie room. i was curled up in a chair with Gray, who had long curly red hair and a martial artist's body and wore motorcycle boots. when it was over, i just sat there drooling because i didn't know whether i was supposed to swallow all that spit or not. fortunately, it didn't gross him out. and we were together for several years after that. he wasn't a bad guy either, really. and we kissed a lot, all the time. he was the first boy i fell in love with, and we exchanged rings and swore we'd die for each other.
ah, youth. we broke up after he went off and necked with someone else's girlfriend at a party. i couldn't stand to think of him kissing someone else. such is the power of a kiss, i guess.
it's all been downhill from there. no one else i've been involved with has seemed particularly interested in kissing at all. they saw it as a means to an end -- you kiss before you have sex, and that's all. and while i have no particular desire to go back to the days when Gray and i would neck for so long that the skin around my lips was red and chapped, i've missed it. and in the last five years, i've missed it even more.
so when i say with all the tomboyish bravado i can muster that "i gotta get laid", what i really mean is "i need someone to kiss me."
sigh. and now, i guess i'll go write that section on database permissions i've been putting off.
