sigh.

so i woke up this morning feeling depressed. which is silly, because i have no reason to be depressed. i've got work, i'm making new friends, and there's potential for other hopeful things on the horizon. but instead of returning a client call, i'm curled up in bed in my warmest pajamas, drinking decaf and IM'ing with people, too unmotivated to scare up lunch even though i've got plenty of food in the kitchen. i have that suite of physical sensations i associate with the chemical sort of depression -- tightness in the chest, eyes slow to focus, shaky hands, a general feeling of being disconnected from reality. i can't call the client like this -- i need my brain switched on first. but it just won't go. it's almost like being stoned, only much less pleasant.

i'd blame the holidays, but i'm actually having great holidays so far -- i loved seeing the Atorbarkingbantonel clan at Thanksgiving, and i'm invited to spend xmas day next door with S. and W. i'm invited to parties, and even enjoying myself at them. intriguing people are intriguingly crawling out of the woodwork. (and i am intrigued!)

i mean, come on. my life RAWKS. so what the hell is my problem? i suppose i'll just have to talk it over with my therapist. but i have a feeling that this is all just the cumulative effects of too much hermitude catching up with me. all last night i dreamed of being hugged. i blame j.j's kids, who are too young to read the invisible "stay away" vibes i seem to send out whether i mean to or not, and hugged me and climbed on me and curled up next to me and reminded me what physical contact with other humans is like. man, i never in a million years thought i'd go all squishy over being hugged by a three year old. will wonders never cease?

so i'll call the client this afternoon and arrange to go talk to the primary engineer tomorrow. i've got plenty of time, since this little contract looks like it could be doable in a day or less, and it isn't due till next tuesday. still, i don't want to look like a slacker. i really need to shake my brain loose here.

oh jeez

i had this vague sense that maybe this has happened before, the inexplicable depression in early december. then it hit me: 12/12 is the anniversary of my meeting my ex-husband, and 12/18 is the anniversary of my meeting C. for the second, fateful time.

amazing how one doesn't consciously notice the anniversary coming up, but one's body reacts to it anyway.

dear sweet god in heaven

caitlinburke stumbled upon the strangest product i've yet seen: Possum Fur Nipple Warmers.

what. the. fuck.

oh dear

on my way home from group tonight, i suddenly remembered the first song i ever wrote. so i did a quickie little mp3 for your amusement. be nice, now. i was 13, for god's sake.

while it is indeed hideously embarrassing, i gotta say, i've heard worse on the radio.