etc.

so i canceled the Quebec trip not because of the Beethoven thing, but because i just can't afford it. the hotel and food costs would break me, even if i found a roommate. so i shall stay home, and spend much less money on the Beethoven extravaganza.

but i sure will miss seeing some of y'all who will be there.

in other news, two new superhero names came up in today's gaming session: Dude North and Cabana Boy. i figure Dude North isn't actually from the north so much as from Northern California. see, he got his powers when the DEA firebombed his pot field. unbeknownst to him, the groundwater had been contaminated by runoff from a local nuclear power plant, so inhaling so much radioactive THC endowed him with supernatural powers.

what those powers might be, i couldn't say.

i think i really don't need to elaborate on Cabana Boy.

oh, and

today (well, yesterday now), i learned that the Cincinnati Bengals haven't won a championship game since before i was married.

hey, you never know when you might need to know something like that.

the compensations of being a flake

this afternoon, i poked around in the freezer and found a small tri-tip steak that had been buried way in the back, wrapped in foil. i dug it out and it wasn't even freezer-burned, so i marinated it in some tequila, lime juice, cilantro, garlic, cumin, and the ubiquitous three-dried-chili mixture. grilling it up now. i was going to do something fancy with black beans, corn, and red peppers as a side, but got lazy so am just having peas.

still. a nice dinner at a time like this.

sisyphus must've had days like this

so i've been trying all day to think of good things in my life to think about, anything to break through this oppressive, constant sadness. i've got work -- not the most dependable, steady work imaginable, but work nonetheless. i've still got my awesome apartment and my shiny car. i've got the best cats ever, and all the guitars i can eat, and i find forgotten steaks in the back of the freezer, and indeed, even when i don't stumble upon Bonus Meat, i'm a creative enough cook that i'm eating damn well for someone who's on as tight a budget as i am.

my skin isn't too badly broken out, and the endless howling wind has stopped. my apartment is pretty clean (although the kitchen's already getting out of hand again) and i seem to be losing weight.

i just can't drag myself out of it. obviously this is to at least some extent situational, but i think nonetheless i may need to have some sort of change to my medication. i am down. i am beneath. today, even bouncy swing music couldn't cheer me up.

i am moved to quote one of my favorite bits from "the lives and times of archy and mehitabel" (my favorite book by far, and always has been). and so:

poets are always asking
where do the little roses go
underneath the snow
but no one ever thinks to say
where do the little insects stay
this is because
as a general rule
roses are more handsome than insects
beauty gets the best of it
in this world

ah, and while i'm at it, let's have some Dorothy Parker of which that reminded me:

Here in my heart I am Helen;
I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Staël;
I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;
Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me Récamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.

I'm of the glamorous ladies
At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
So I stay at home with a book.

*sigh*

on the other hand

today, i learned that Montreal was founded in 1642. thanks, zadcat.