talk about missing the point!

why the hell would anyone bother with an inflatable church if it didn't have a bouncy floor?

i mean, honestly.

in case you were wondering

livejournal interest matching is not a reliable way to find like-minded people. how do i know?

playgirl is my second-highest match.

the turning point

last night, in group, i think i figured out the exact moment at which i stopped making the effort for other people. it's when i stopped automatically trusting people just because they were friendly to me. it's when it truly sank in for me, bone-deep, that no one was going to look out for me, that i couldn't count on anyone to be around when i needed them, that i was going to have to put myself first because no one else was going to do it.

( this is extremely heavy, and i'm not going to pull any punches, because i need to talk about it. you were warned. )

coda, with humor

one thing i didn't mention in my previous post is the amusing encounter i had in the waiting room. while we were waiting for our turn to get our insides vacuumed, a nervous woman started chattering to me. she explained earnestly that she didn't believe in abortion, but she had to have one. "my husband's getting out of jail, and he's gonna know it ain't his," she said.

it was a truly perfect white trash moment.

more

so here's the thing: i think a big part of why i've kept so much distance between myself and others isn't even my fear that they'll disappoint me, but my fear that i'll disappoint them. when the events outlined in this post occurred, many of my friends were severely depressed or otherwise just really messed up. at least some of them didn't have it in them to be there for me when i needed them, through no fault of their own.

i'm very aware of my own limitations. and when i start to feel like people are expecting things of me -- time, attention, emotional investment -- that's when i start backing away. because i don't want to let them depend on me. i don't want to fail them the way i've been failed. and i probably will. i'm sure i have in the past.

lucky me

i'm excused from jury duty for the next 12 months.

woo. hoo.