dear fanfic writers

having spent a large portion of the last few days reading pornographic Harry Potter fanfic, i thought some actual use ought to come of it. thus i present to you a small collection of important rules for writing tasteful erotica.

1. The following words and/or phrases should never appear in an erotic context:
   
   • sack
     
   • tunnel
     
   • custard
     
   • cervix
     
   • slit
     
   • prick
     
   • manhood
     
   • turgid
     
   • rufous
     
   • scoop
     
   • reference to shellfish of any kind
   
   
2. "Arousal" is a physical state, not a body part. Do not use it as a synonym for "penis." A man can conceal his arousal, but it will not spring forth when you undo his pants.
   
   
3. A tasteful, understated description of a character's anatomy does not include the term "goodie trail." For example, do not write:

   She watched, mesmerized, as his long, elegant fingers released one button after another, revealing with each one a few more inches of pale, tempting flesh. Her eyes trailed along his sharply defined collarbones, lingering for a moment in the vulnerable hollow of his throat. She wondered what that spot would taste like, and how it would feel against her tongue. Letting her eyes drift downward, she contemplated the light sprinkling of dark hair between his dusky nipples, and swallowed convulsively at the sight of his goodie trail vanishing into the waistband of his trousers.

   
   
4. "Nub" is not the only term for "clitoris." While it is true that tasteful terms for this most celebrated anatomical feature do not abound, it is actually possible to write around the issue, obviating the need to refer to the organ by name.
   
   4a. Please do not liken the nub to a pencil eraser. Thank you.
   
   
5. When describing a deflowering, making a big production of how terribly! painful! it! is! only makes it obvious that you are a virgin. Especially if the deflowerer is so sensitive about it that he's too metaphorically limp to get it up.
   
   
6. When receiving fellatio from a teenager, no matter how swotty she is, a nearly 40-year-old man is unlikely to consider it the best head he's ever gotten.
   
   
7. Once again: "goodie trail" -- don't use it.
   

update, sevenish pm: a related phenomenon, overused but not quite so inexcusable, is ( the Sex Formula )

thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and good night.