mountain_laurel: (make my bed in hell)
[personal profile] mountain_laurel
the thing that's frustrating me most about my depression at the moment is that i've got so many friends who are Doing Things. they're taking martial arts classes, growing their own vegetables, camping in yurts, hunting wild mushrooms, going to Vegas, eating in fancy restaurants, designing a new house, playing tournament Scrabble, taking trips to Japan, etc., etc., ad infinitum.

i miss doing things. i used to do things all the time. i thought i was pretty depressed then, too, but it was nothing like this. just bathing in the morning seems like a massive effort.

depression forces you to live small. it's like living in a box that keeps shrinking. first there's no room for the world, then there's no room for other people, then there's no room for the basic tasks of life, and finally there's no room to move at all. that's when the air supply starts to run out.

i'm still moving. barely. i had a fairly productive weekend, in fact -- i even went to the farmer's market, the first time i've voluntarily gone out on a weekend in nearly two months. i just don't dare hope it's a sign that things are getting better. the hope demon and i are not on speaking terms. that bastard only ever makes things worse.

Date: 2008-08-26 04:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Without letting that demon out of the box — having gotten outside and moved did good things for your body and for your brain. And when your reserves are as low as they are now, every little good thing is a thing worth having. I think it's like petting a cat; whatever may happen or not happen in the future, having petted the cat is a good thing.

All my best wishes, from someone who's been in the neighborhood...

Date: 2008-08-26 05:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
it's like living in a box that keeps shrinking.

Have you seen Gravitation?

Date: 2008-08-26 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
no... i'll have to check that out.

Date: 2008-08-27 12:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I would drag you Yurt Mushroom Farming if I could.

Date: 2008-09-02 06:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I feel you, sister. For the first four months of my pregnancy---and off meds---I felt normal. It was the weirdest feeling in the world and dear God, regular people should feel SO DAMN LUCKY they don't wake up every morning wishing they hadn't. (My shrink thought that somehow the pregnancy hormones reset my brain chemistry.) Then fifth month, BOOM, I'm a nervous wreck who dreads every single second of every single day. Why the sudden hating, brain chemistry?

My flight-or-fight mechanism is out of control, I obsess over everything, and there's a sinking pit in my chest that won't disappear. Most days, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I just want the damn bus to stop.

Date: 2008-09-02 07:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
man, i don't even want to think about what my life would be like if i had to stop taking my meds. you are SO brave to take that on!

Date: 2008-09-02 07:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Didn't have much of a choice after we decided to keep the baby! Don't want to give birth to Lurch ;)

Date: 2008-09-02 07:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
And it'd be girl-Lurch, FWIW.

Date: 2008-09-02 08:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hey, it's brave enough just deciding to have a baby. You are officially my hero.


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