mountain_laurel: (BABY!)
yesterday in the Half Price Books, i joked to [ profile] valkyrie_kitten that i'd looked everywhere but they just didn't have any "bland midwestern" cookbooks.

"oh," she said, "don't worry, i have lots."

sure enough, when we got home she produced the "A Taste Of Country" cookbook, published by the Jasper County Care Facility.

so. here's what country tastes like:

5 Soup Casserole

1 can cream of chicken soup
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of celery soup
1 can chicken and rice soup
1 can vegetable beef soup
2 lbs. hamburger
1 lg. bag chow mein noodles

Brown hamburger and drain. Add all soups and half of noodles. Top with remaining noodles. Bake at 350° for 30-35 minutes. This makes alot! [sic] -- Kelly Seals

and i thought that was pretty bad. then i found this:

6 Can Casserole

1 can chicken rice soup
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can Chinese noodle (sm.)
1 can French style green beans (drained)
1 can evaporated milk
1 can tuna, turkey, chicken, or ham

Grease casserole dish. Mix all ingredients and put in pan. Crush potato chips over top. Bake at 350° until bubbly, 45 minutes to 1 hour. -- Jo Smead

help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. you're my only hope.
mountain_laurel: (cherchez le poisson)
Dear Trader Joe's,

I am writing to thank you for your wonderful product, Triple Berry Juice Blend (Blueberry, Cranberry, and Pomegranate). Not only an excellent source of antioxidants, it is also the only fluid I have yet encountered[1] that is strong enough to conceal the astoundingly vile flavor of another of your fine products, Monopolowa potato vodka.

I am convinced that this vodka, which hails from Austria, is actually filtered through Arnold Schwarzenegger's thirty-year-old used jockstraps, as there can be no other plausible explanation for its unprecedentedly pungent bouquet. Perhaps you could use this as a selling point in the next Fearless Flyer? While Schwarzenegger's appeal is waning rapidly in California, I believe his films are still fairly popular in the rest of the US and its outlying territories.

I am thrilled to have discovered the delightful synergy between these two beverages, since, as it turns out, the fragrant aroma of crotch rot is still detectable in the tomato cream sauce for which I originally purchased the vodka in question, and I hate to see alcohol go to waste. I write to you in the hope that future customers may benefit from my experience in this matter.

Sto lat,


[1] I feel certain this function could also be fulfilled by the syrup derived from boiling down slices of Trichocerious Pachanoi, or San Pedro cactus, which is a popular California garden plant as well as an outstanding source of hallucinogenic alkaloids; however, while this cactus is legal for garden use, it has not been approved by the FDA for human consumption and thus I cannot in good conscience recommend it to your customers.


mountain_laurel: (Default)

June 2010

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