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idiot compassion
Apr. 22nd, 2003 02:39 pmduring a discussion of EQ test results the other day, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zadcat told me about the Buddhist concept of idiot compassion -- always trying to be kind without regard to whether it is actually the right thing to do. the article i've linked to gives as an example a doctor who withholds treatment from a patient because the treatment might be painful, although perhaps a more realistic example would be telling a friend what they want to hear rather than what we really think. (no, those pants don't make your ass look fat!) true compassion requires the courage to act in a way that may be less pleasing but will ultimately create a better result. (i think you should wear the blue skirt instead.)
i think there's a relationship between idiot compassion and the sort of touchy-feeliness that i find really irritating. i tend to feel like being huggy with everyone devalues genuine gestures of caring and can also engender resentment -- suddenly, not hugging someone, for example, appears a conscious slight rather than simply a choice not to hug indiscriminately. and so those of us who are more reserved with our expressions of affection and caring seem less "nice" by comparison, regardless of actual intent. i reserve my hugs, both online and in-person, for people i care about and situations in which they seem appropriate to me. but writing that down, even that seems to me easily interpretable as insufficiently "nice" -- what, you don't care about everyone?
well, no. actually, i don't care about everyone. and neither do you. (and if you think otherwise, i hear the Dalai Lama is looking for a successor.) that doesn't mean everyone could drop dead and i'd do a little jig. it just means that like everybody else, i am not a Bodhisattva. i care about some people more than others, and i choose to reserve certain expressions of affection (and certain levels of emotional intimacy) for the people i care about most.
i'm not a person who's very comfortable with intimacy, especially physical intimacy. it's something that's difficult for me. and you know, i rather resent the idea that i'm somehow less "nice" because i think of even typing "*hug*" as something to be taken seriously. at least when i hug someone, they know i mean it. and i think there's value in that.
zadcat told me about the Buddhist concept of idiot compassion -- always trying to be kind without regard to whether it is actually the right thing to do. the article i've linked to gives as an example a doctor who withholds treatment from a patient because the treatment might be painful, although perhaps a more realistic example would be telling a friend what they want to hear rather than what we really think. (no, those pants don't make your ass look fat!) true compassion requires the courage to act in a way that may be less pleasing but will ultimately create a better result. (i think you should wear the blue skirt instead.)i think there's a relationship between idiot compassion and the sort of touchy-feeliness that i find really irritating. i tend to feel like being huggy with everyone devalues genuine gestures of caring and can also engender resentment -- suddenly, not hugging someone, for example, appears a conscious slight rather than simply a choice not to hug indiscriminately. and so those of us who are more reserved with our expressions of affection and caring seem less "nice" by comparison, regardless of actual intent. i reserve my hugs, both online and in-person, for people i care about and situations in which they seem appropriate to me. but writing that down, even that seems to me easily interpretable as insufficiently "nice" -- what, you don't care about everyone?
well, no. actually, i don't care about everyone. and neither do you. (and if you think otherwise, i hear the Dalai Lama is looking for a successor.) that doesn't mean everyone could drop dead and i'd do a little jig. it just means that like everybody else, i am not a Bodhisattva. i care about some people more than others, and i choose to reserve certain expressions of affection (and certain levels of emotional intimacy) for the people i care about most.
i'm not a person who's very comfortable with intimacy, especially physical intimacy. it's something that's difficult for me. and you know, i rather resent the idea that i'm somehow less "nice" because i think of even typing "*hug*" as something to be taken seriously. at least when i hug someone, they know i mean it. and i think there's value in that.
