idle curiosity

i wonder sometimes what it would be like to be the sort of girl who takes off her glasses and turns out to be Audrey Hepburn, or lets down her hair and surprise! it's Garbo! or, well, you know. i'm generally pretty okay with being me these days, to the point where last week's brief flirtation with the hope daemon didn't even have me cursing my own looks or anyone else's standards. not that it's ever easy to accept, but i'm realistic. i know we don't get to choose who we find attractive.

but still, i wonder what it would be like to see a pretty man on the street and think not "better not look too long, he might notice and be appalled," but something more like "look up, will you, so i can bat my eyelashes at you."

those telltale signs

how i know it's probably time for a medication increase:

1. yesterday, ikkyu2 told me "you're contentious today." coming from him, that's quite something.
2. i notice that my sense of humor has been getting quite a bit sharp-edged of late.
3. i got to work this morning to discover another contractor sitting at "my" desk, and almost burst into tears.

i took an ativan to chill me out. i guess i'll call the shrink at lunchtime.

ooooh.

listening to the full-length Tal Bachman CD (as opposed to the 3-song import i was listening to until recently), i find myself in love with these lyrics:

Whoever said to take it on the chin
Whoever said the good guys always win
Has never seen the sorry state I'm in
A victim of romanticide again

it's a very whiny CD. like Melissa Etheridge's first, you can tell most of the songs were written about the same person. still, i'm enjoying the hell out of it. nothing like melodic, multi-layered whiny poppy angst to make me feel better.

wow.

so i got home from group tonight and found an unexpected package on my door. apparently my Aunt Evanne has decided to move to Cape Cod, and was cleaning out the house she and my mother grew up in (where she's been living for several years), and she thought i might like to have some things she found.

she sent a number of photos, including a terribly faded portrait of me at about one year old and a perfectly preserved portrait of my mother at 20 or so, looking gorgeous and as though she's not entirely plugged into reality. which i suppose shouldn't surprise me. it's fascinating to me that the picture of me, from 1968 or so, is cracked and faded and looks like hell, while the shot of my mother circa 1955 or so is in such flawless shape. i'm sure kludge could explain to me why that is. either way, i do believe i'll be hanging the picture of my mom. she was just so beautiful when she was young. god, i wish i looked more like her.

there's also a shot of my brother from shortly before my parents moved back to Pennsylvania, a terrible school picture of me from seventh grade or so, and another rather old picture that i think must be my mother as a baby. my aunt said she'd send a new address when she has one, and that she'd be happy to pick me up at the airport if i'm ever able to visit.

( warning: heavy shit ahead )