![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Dec. 6th, 2002
when the bough breaks
Dec. 6th, 2002 10:51 amin the process of responding to a post in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ikkyu2's journal, i managed to put into words something i've been trying to wrap my head around for several years now, but rather than blather it over there, i thought i'd put it here where it belongs.
i've been really, really lonely the last few years. this should come as no particular surprise to anyone. my therapist seems to think it's just a matter of trying harder, but i feel like i've tried pretty hard.yong_mi and jenine think i'm in the wrong place and that i'll need to leave the bay area to make new friends. both these theories are at least partially correct. i don't try very hard anymore, although i did for some time; i've pretty much given up, and a large part of the reason i've given up is the culture here, and the culture of adults in general. people are busy. they have lives already. they haven't got much room for making new friends, so they don't reach out. if a new person wanders across their path, they'll say hi, but they won't make an effort to draw that person into their social circle.
the trouble with this is that i need people to make an effort. i've been so disillusioned by people that i find it impossible to believe that anybody really likes me or wants me around. in DC, people started dropping off the face of the earth when i moved in with prs. in Charlotte, people kept it from me that he'd been telling people he was going to leave me, and no one bothered to say goodbye when i left except for Mike, the homeless guitarist. (and oh, how i miss Mike.) when i moved to the bay area to live with C., most of the people i thought were my friends blew me off because C. was persona non grata, and then C. blew me off too. i made new friends then, because i still had a little life left in me.
for my trouble, i got stalked, vilified, blamed for someone else's suicide attempt, screwed over at work, and generally humiliated. i clung to my friendship with M2 for a long time, but in the end i was too messed up and there was too little common ground to keep it going. it wasn't a healthy friendship anyway; i can't speak for her motives, but i was there mostly because she was persistent and didn't let it drop, and for me it was better than nothing.
persistence is the key, but only to a point; i need people to reach out, but i also need them to respect boundaries. i need them to offer their friendship, but not demand mine. i need them to understand that my reticence isn't personal, and cut me some slack when i fail to return phone calls. i need people to care enough to do the work. ah, but there's the problem: what do i have to offer that would make anyone care enough to do that work? i can, uh, tell funny stories. and i'm usually up on the latest gossip. and, um... even if people do the work, half the time i feel like they just feel sorry for me.
looking back, i'm kind of surprised i lasted as long as i did. i took a lot of abuse before i broke. but i did break, and i'm not sure how to fix myself. i'm not sure i can, but i sure as hell can't wait around for someone else to do it. and right now, if i were falling off a cliff and there were people standing around, i don't think i could reach out my hand to ask someone to catch me. i wouldn't want to impose.
people do seem to find me terribly imposing, you know.
ikkyu2's journal, i managed to put into words something i've been trying to wrap my head around for several years now, but rather than blather it over there, i thought i'd put it here where it belongs.i've been really, really lonely the last few years. this should come as no particular surprise to anyone. my therapist seems to think it's just a matter of trying harder, but i feel like i've tried pretty hard.
yong_mi and jenine think i'm in the wrong place and that i'll need to leave the bay area to make new friends. both these theories are at least partially correct. i don't try very hard anymore, although i did for some time; i've pretty much given up, and a large part of the reason i've given up is the culture here, and the culture of adults in general. people are busy. they have lives already. they haven't got much room for making new friends, so they don't reach out. if a new person wanders across their path, they'll say hi, but they won't make an effort to draw that person into their social circle.the trouble with this is that i need people to make an effort. i've been so disillusioned by people that i find it impossible to believe that anybody really likes me or wants me around. in DC, people started dropping off the face of the earth when i moved in with prs. in Charlotte, people kept it from me that he'd been telling people he was going to leave me, and no one bothered to say goodbye when i left except for Mike, the homeless guitarist. (and oh, how i miss Mike.) when i moved to the bay area to live with C., most of the people i thought were my friends blew me off because C. was persona non grata, and then C. blew me off too. i made new friends then, because i still had a little life left in me.
for my trouble, i got stalked, vilified, blamed for someone else's suicide attempt, screwed over at work, and generally humiliated. i clung to my friendship with M2 for a long time, but in the end i was too messed up and there was too little common ground to keep it going. it wasn't a healthy friendship anyway; i can't speak for her motives, but i was there mostly because she was persistent and didn't let it drop, and for me it was better than nothing.
persistence is the key, but only to a point; i need people to reach out, but i also need them to respect boundaries. i need them to offer their friendship, but not demand mine. i need them to understand that my reticence isn't personal, and cut me some slack when i fail to return phone calls. i need people to care enough to do the work. ah, but there's the problem: what do i have to offer that would make anyone care enough to do that work? i can, uh, tell funny stories. and i'm usually up on the latest gossip. and, um... even if people do the work, half the time i feel like they just feel sorry for me.
looking back, i'm kind of surprised i lasted as long as i did. i took a lot of abuse before i broke. but i did break, and i'm not sure how to fix myself. i'm not sure i can, but i sure as hell can't wait around for someone else to do it. and right now, if i were falling off a cliff and there were people standing around, i don't think i could reach out my hand to ask someone to catch me. i wouldn't want to impose.
people do seem to find me terribly imposing, you know.