sigh.

things i am ashamed of, in no particular order:

• the state of my apartment -- it smells, and there are a couple of areas of cat puke i've been stepping around for days rather than cleaning them up.
  
• i have once again succumbed to the dubious charms of HDP, and have been making an ass of myself thereby -- and still no payoff.
  
• my friends are doing cool things like opening a bakery and writing articles and meeting women and i've been doing nothing but lie in bed all day playing Angband till i can't stand myself anymore and have to crawl off to the shower. even if i was getting out of bed, i wouldn't be doing anything itneresting or proactive or adventurous, because i am too busy burrowing deeper into my cowardly lifelong rut.
  
• medication-shift-related mood swings have caused me to spout embarrassingly about silly (and sometimes TMI) things at my friends unceasingly.
  
• i don't remember the last time i actually cooked something; i am subsisting entirely on sale-priced microwave entrees.
  
• i haven't gone an evening without having at least two drinks since i got back from Ann Arbor, and that's just way too much.
  
• over and over again, i have told myself that i will never win friends and influence people if i can't even manage to smile at them, but whenever i notice anyone smiling at me i still panic and go blank.
  
• what i really, really want right now is not to dig myself out, but for someone to swoop in and rescue me. even though i know another 'fixer' is the last thing i need.
  
• i just. can't. stop. whining.
  

ah, fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck. fuck.