modern tech 1, medieval tech 0

Phone Saves Man's Life in Crossbow Attack

when keywords fail

i know Vanessa Williams is pretty hot, but ( is she really this hot? )

one foot on the pavement and six feet underground [1]

i can't think. i mean, literally, i can't think. everything is swirling around, and whenever i can actually latch onto a thought it's the black dog [2] talking. telling me the worst possible interpretation of everything that anyone says or does. ("of course they're talking about you." "he looked away because you're so revolting." "to you, she's a best friend. to her, you're a project." "yes, those pants do make your ass look fat.") i'm listening to music with words so i can, in effect, 'follow the bouncing ball'. my attention just clings to those lyrics for dear life. if i turn it off, it's torn back away into the hurricane. i take one look at the document i'm supposed to be editing and the swirling mass drags my eyes away from it. "you'll never finish this in time. might as well not bother. you're going to be fired any minute now. just give up and go home. you know you want to. just think, you could crawl back into bed and pull the covers up over your head."

i'm aware of it as a separate voice these days. i recognize it for what it is. but i can't help wondering whether it's right about things, because sometimes it is. i ignore it at my own risk. not that listening does me any good either. and it's so seductive, that voice. you bet your ass i'd love to go home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers up over my head. any given moment of my life, you can pretty much bet i'm either right there, or wishing i was. right now, it's almost a physical effort to keep myself from turning off the monitor and heading for my car, hoping no one will notice i'm not in my cube.

by the way, that maelstrom i keep talking about? that's my life going down the toilet.

[1] a:d dfan
[2] "the black dog" was Winston Churchill's name for his depression